Where it all Began

We’ve been asked. Why didn’t we leave? If it was that bad, if we were that hurt, why didn’t we just walk away?

We’ve been asked. Why didn’t we leave? If it was that bad, if we were that hurt, why didn’t we just walk away?

It wasn’t always this way... In the early years being part of our church was exciting. We were pioneering together. We joined our church in its infancy.

2004

We reached out to the pastor of a local startup church to request covering for a Christian camping ministry that we felt called to begin in the school we both worked in.

When we shared the vision of the camping ministry with the pioneering pastor who had recently launched his church, HE was excited. It seemed to align with HIS big vision for the local community. HIS passion was to reach people through 7 spheres of influence: religion, family, education, government, business, media, arts and entertainment. The children’s outdoor ministry we had proposed fit well into several of these spaces.

We began building up to launching, partnering with the PASTOR and the church while still attending our home church. On launch day, after training keen leaders from the Christian community, hundreds of children turned up. The ministry continued to grow over the coming months, with 200 children regularly attending each week.

Over the months that followed, there were many conversations about us officially joining this church that seemed to want to reach the community for the gospel and make a difference in the world in creative and exciting ways.

Over a period of 6 months, we were involved in discussions about relocating the church meeting place. I offered my classroom and was able to facilitate this with the school I was teaching at. We were already entrenched when the church moved to meet in my classroom, and the church office was established in the same block of portables. We said goodbye to our old church community, leaving behind friends we loved, to embark on what seemed like ‘the great adventure’.

2005

We made wonderful new friends in our new church community. Our children’s camping ministry was thriving, with many unchurched families attending. Children and youth were making decisions for Christ and being discipled through the ministry.

We worked closely with the PASTOR and started taking on greater leadership roles. Soon, we were also running the youth group. I joined the music ministry playing piano, and my husband started working with the Sunday School. My skills in media began to contribute towards the church, and within a year, I was working and volunteering during the week in media and communications, all the while teaching music at the college. I headed up a private music school under the banner of the church. I coordinated entertainment events, large-scale concerts with major drawcard artists and a massive investment of time and energy from our small community to pull it off.

Everything was centralised in that place, and my world revolved around church life. My photography business took a back seat. I desired to build it up as my longer-term goal was to go full-time in photography, have my own studio and then add kids to our family. But church took priority, and we believed we were called to serve under the influence of this dynamic, charismatic, vision-bearing PASTOR.

Over a period of 4 years, we were pulled into the inner circle, into high-level leadership. There were heavy expectations on us to run with the vision cast by the PASTOR (although HE was always quick to tell us it was God’s vision, not HIS, and that is how we should communicate it to the masses). We drew other friends in to join the church, and they, too, began their training as armour bearers and leaders in service to the PASTOR’s goals.

In those early years, we saw the cracks. But the excitement seemed to minimise the damage. The PASTOR was generally in good spirits, and though the staff meetings were drawn out for hours, the staff were often berated, and the leaders were expected to give everything to the cause; there was also a sense of joy. We felt we were serving God’s big plan.

The ability of the PASTOR to inspire that vision in the early days was compelling.

The dream was birthed in Disneyland when the PASTOR and his wife sat in the external entertainment complex that fed into the theme park. There, HE had seen a church, the central point, and around it, a hub of activity that fed in and out of that church. Businesses, entertainment, education... a church that could reach a community through marketplace ministry and operate outside the four walls of the traditional church. Those of us who were part of the early years grabbed hold of this vision tightly. Because of my close connection with the source, I became his key vision bearer. The PASTOR inspired the vision and the outworking of this vision deep within me, and I carried it and proclaimed it on his behalf. I believed in it, and believed that this was God’s calling on my life.

In those early years, I was aware of instances of verbal abuse; I witnessed it, and I experienced it. But because the PASTOR was so charismatic and convincing, I made excuses on HIS behalf. I became a mediator and a negotiator. Trying to help the victim of a barrage by understanding the ‘PASTOR’s heart’ on the matter. Convincing them to stay with us for the greater cause and to forgive the bullying. Of course, back then, I would not have called it bullying, but strong leadership, as that is how HE would explain it if he was ever questioned. I would then mediate with the Pastor, attempting to bring reason to the situation, often revolving around how a member or staff may have “let him down” in some way. I would petition on their behalf for mercy and explain the circumstances around what he would see as failure. These situations often resulted from significant life challenges in the victim’s world. Marriage breakups and abuse coming from home life. Aspects that seeped into work life. Real-life challenges that were rarely acknowledged or ministered to. The PASTOR would instead be frustrated by a person who was not ‘whole’ or well. HE preferred to work with people that were “easy and not needy”. HE told us this on a number of occasions and said this is why HE liked us. We weren’t draining his ‘pastoral’ resources. Instead, HE could demand much of us, and push us to our limits, because our capacity was greater than someone going through challenging times. We didn’t have kids at this stage, we were on site both working at the college and in the church office, there for HIM at all times night and day. HE could push me without me crumbling because of my capacity to ‘do’.

I’m a big ‘doer’. I commit myself to a project or a task, and I give it everything. I’m a team player, but I can also lead a team. I love people, and I love success. I see problems, and I address them head-on and work on solving them. I have what the PASTOR would term a “spirit of excellence” but it can also fall into a tendency of perfectionism. I felt I understood my PASTOR and HIS way of operation because when we did a MBTI Myers Briggs Personality Test as a leadership, I had a very similar result to my PASTOR with one variance. HE scored ENTJ, and I was an ENFJ. The difference between the two is that he was stronger on the Thinking scale, and I was stronger on the Feeling scale. I believe this similarity in personality types is why I managed to work so closely with HIM for so long. Over the years, we’ve seen clear indicators that HE doesn’t understand other people’s perspectives, ways of learning or operating. HE has clear gaps in comprehension when it comes to someone who is different to HIM, whether it be a child with autism or a highly sensitive introvert. HE gets extremely angry when someone doesn’t speak up immediately and with conviction, and has no patience for someone wanting to process a decision quietly. HE lacks consideration for those that don’t fall into HIS natural realm of operating.

My results from that Myers-Briggs test taken 15 years ago revealed I was the protagonist. As the description on https://www.16personalities.com/enfj- personality states “Protagonists (ENFJs) feel called to serve a greater purpose in life. Thoughtful and idealistic, these personality types strive to impact other people and the world around them positively. They rarely shy away from an opportunity to do the right thing, even when doing so is far from easy.”

It seems clear that my personality type was, unfortunately, the perfect fit to become my PASTOR’s narcissistic supply. And while my sense of justice and desire to confront issues meant I consistently spoke up and challenged HIM. These challenges usually resulted in HIM twisting the narrative, elevating HIS spiritual authority, and me eventually submitting in undying loyalty.

The difference with my PASTOR’s results, though only one letter is altered, reveals how this power play was able to continue for so long. “Commanders are natural-born leaders. People with this personality type embody the gifts of charisma and confidence, and project authority in a way that draws crowds together behind a common goal. However, Commanders are also characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves.” - https://www.16personalities.com/entj-personality

This persuasion to follow our PASTOR’s lead at all costs was easier to swallow due to the positive qualities we saw in HIM: The charisma, the ability to inspire, and the belief that anything was possible.

There was an intentional grooming that took place in these early years. An investment from our PASTOR where HE moulded our mindset to help fulfil HIS destiny. HE needed strong young leaders with passion and integrity to help build the empire. HE spent a lot of time directing our motives, training us to serve HIM and his wife and to put THEIR needs above all others. Our needs as a family and husband and wife were completely ignored as the core message was that we were expected to serve, protect, honour and slave for the PASTORS as it was THEM with the spiritual authority. If we ever spoke up and asked for a reprieve from the workload or financial responsibility, we were condemned and verbally abused for not considering the needs of the PASTOR first and all of HIS challenges and ‘sacrifices’.

After the first four years, there was a shift of gears, physically for our church and in the part where we would move to play in HIS chess game. The most damaging years were about to begin...